Today is a tough one

I’ve been doing a lot a reading and bunches of remembering. Not always a good combination for me this time of year. In my reading I have tried to find advice on learning to move on through my grief. Or so I thought. It seems that the more I read, the more I realize that what I want to do is actually forget my grief and not remember it. This is not possible I have discovered.

I’ve read accounts of amputees who have phantom pain in their missing limbs. It seems that is one way to describe what I feel. You see, a part of me is missing and I can still feel that part in my movements through the day and through my memories. When I make plans to go out shopping, I instinctively think about where my family members are and when they will be arriving home. Then the pain washes over me as I remember Matthew is not here.

Posted Jun 10, 2006 6:28pm

Yesterday we found out that the judge presiding over Matthew’s SSI claim for disability has made a ruling. We have not been told if it was in Matthew’s favor or not. The attorney believes it is. We should find out in a few more days, but it may take up to 2 weeks for us to be notified.

In the meantime, Kim and Pat went home last night to be with Stephanie and Zachary and to try to get some rest before this next difficult week. Today Zachary and Stephanie came to the hospital to spend some time with Matt. It was hard on all involved and many tears have been shed with the knowledge that many more will be shed as we begin the grief process.

Matthew has had his sedation medication reduced by half again today, but has not been able to wake up. His body is tired and fighting some major infections. If he is able to tolerate the reduction in the sedation again tomorrow, we will do that again. This is to help him be weaned from this med and the ventilation tube. After that, we hope to keep him comfortable with pain management medication until he and God decide it is time for him to go home.

We appreciate your prayers and love for each of us, and thank you for respecting this time we spend together as a family.

Now, let me share a few things with you. Please be kind enough to not offer me trite sayings that disguise themselves as words of comfort. Pray for me. Pray for all of us. But more importantly, if you knew Matthew – even for a day or a single moment – share your memory with me. Tell me about his laughter or his funny remark to you. Tell me about his stubborn refusal to do what you asked of him. Tell me about the blank stare he gave you during a conversation. But don’t pity me and give me words that make you more comfortable in moving on.

I hope you understand that I was blessed beyond measure to have been able to be Matthew’s mom and my heart is missing a piece while he is away from me. My comfort is found in hearing the memories that you have and knowing that he is not forgotten.

And the cry of my heart is to bring You praise
From the inside out, O my soul cries out

My Soul cries out to You
My Soul cries out to You
to You, to You

80-yr old Church leader murdered in sanctuary

Few places were as meaningful to Lillian Wilson as Central United Methodist Church just outside Wynne.

She was baptized and married there. She started teaching Sunday school recently to help out while the church’s longtime teacher recovered from a stroke.

And on Sunday morning, June 6, the 80-year-old retired nurse was in the church to finish assembling disaster relief buckets and health kits for collection at the denomination’s Arkansas Annual (regional) Conference meeting, which started Sunday night.

It was her last act of servanthood. She was found beaten to death in the church sanctuary that afternoon.

Investigators with the sheriff’s office in Cross County, Ark., were still searching June 8 for two suspects in Wilson’s death. Her pastor, the Rev. Dixon Platt, said authorities believe the murder weapon was the cross the church kept on its communion table.

Platt went to check on Wilson when she didn’t show up for worship Sunday at nearby Ellis Chapel United Methodist Church. The congregation of about 20 alternates worship each Sunday between Ellis Chapel and Central Church.

The pastor discovered Wilson’s body about 12:30 p.m. Sunday beneath an overturned pew. Her purse and car were missing.

Wilson died doing what she loved to do, Platt said, and that was serving God.

Oh please don’t tell me he said that! So many folks are going to be upset that this woman died, (btw – she didn’t simply die – she was MURDERED!) and the fact that she died in this way in this place is going to complicate grief for the people within the church she attended, people in our churches, and the people who don’t attend church. It is a delicate and difficult time for this church, but maybe some of us can learn from Ms. Wilson’s death as well as her life.

As pastor’s we tend to want to take the high road and say things like, “She is at rest now” or “She “died doing what she loved to do”". Those comments are not enough for our congregants who are asking the bigger question, “WHY?” I think we need to say things like, we don’t know why people do horrible things to each other, I don’t know why someone did this to Ms. Wilson, I don’t know why – I don’t have the answers. Too often pastors think they must lead people into healing or beyond this tragedy or even past this experience. To each of us, pastors and everyday folks that think the same way, I ask – WHY? Why are we in a hurry to brush aside the tragedy and want to look at only the comfortable aspects of life?

My thinking jumps to the next question, how does a response such as the one stated by Rev. Platt witness to the greater community the love of God for all people in the community? From my slightly slanted perspective I see a closed door attitude, a piousness, an attitude to the unchurched that says, “Well, AT LEAST she lived a life worthy so she will be … (fill in the blank – honored, redeemed, given vengeance … whatever the other feels is needed in their life and hoped for in their death). Possibly a better statement would be, we join the community in grieving her death and the violent manner in which she died and we are available to talk or listen to anyone who has questions. Maybe, possibly.

But I like what Bishop Crutchfield said:

Arkansas Area Bishop Charles Crutchfield asked those gathered for annual conference on June 7 to pray for Wilson and the many in her community who loved her.

“This is a tragic moment for a wonderful woman devoted to the life of the church and building God’s kingdom, a woman who had been the heart and soul of her church,” Crutchfield said in an interview.

“At moments like this, we ask ‘Why? Why?’ And there is no real answer to that question,” he said. “But I do know the question we need to ask is who do we trust in a moment of tragedy, in a moment so inexplicable. I think our answer would be her answer: Trust the Lord through high points and low points, through good times and through the valley of the shadow of death. In the wake of this tragic death, that’s who we all have to trust.” (Italics added)

That’s all we’ve got to offer anyone in a moment of grief, a season of grief. If we believe in God through the good times, if we trust God in the good times, if we have faith in God in the good times, then the way to find ourselves able to survive and live though the tough times is to continue to trust him in those times also.

Keep the faith my friends.

Nightmares and Second Guesses

“Posted May 27, 2006 6:52pm:

Kim and Stephanie are at the emergency room with Matthew right
now. His heart rate was 147 and his blood pressure was 38/78. The
on-call hematologist thinks this is due to low red cell count so
Matthew may need a blood transfusion tonight.”

I have been reflecting on the decisions we made surrounding Matthew’s illness and the treatment he received. This entry (above) was made the day after he graduated from high school. Our household had company from out-of-state that had come up to celebrate that very special occasion and to spend some time with Matthew now that he was home from the hospital. Kim & I had spent a few hours visiting with another family friend who had also just graduated high school. As I sit here trying to communicate the situation we were in and the feelings that were going through my head, the memories are so vivid that they threaten to overwhelm me.

Questions have run around in my head since that time. Questions such as, “Why did I have Stephanie go with Kim & Matthew instead of me?” Was it my own laziness, or was it that I just didn’t want to deal with the hospital stress again? Did the sense of obligation to be a “good” daughter and to entertain our company color my judgment in taking care of my son? So many questions. And no possible way for me to find the answers.

I feel so much guilt and shame. I want to go back in time and change the way I did things, reevaluate my decisions, and have another chance to be the kind of mom I want to be to my children. I can’t do any of that for Matthew. So now, I just second guess myself.

And that’s where the nightmares start.
(To read more, go to: barefootpreachr.wordpress.com)

This can't be said enough ...

This was written on our son's carepage five months after his 20th birthday. It is still relevant today and I wanted to share it with you.

7 Ways You Can Help Me in My Grief written 10/30/06

1. Don’t try to “Fix-It.” Try to listen to me without judgment. I don’t need you to “fix” my pain, anger or tears. Just allow me to share it with you.

2. Say it with Food, and Hugs and written notes. Now more than ever, we need to know how much you love us and are praying for us. Bring us a meal occasionally – we have days that we don’t even know what to prepare for dinner and can’t figure out how to prepare it even if we know we have it in the house! Hug us often and say “I love you,” or “I’m praying for you” with actions and words, over and over again – even if you think we know it. Write a note and tell us what you remember about our loved one or what he meant to your life. And then write us another note to mark the anniversary – by weeks, months – or other special occasions. (Letters in the mail, cards with little remembrances, are tangible prayers that we can hold in our hands as well as our hearts.)

3. Offer Specific Help. “Call me if there is anything I can do” is just too hard for me to do right now – I don’t really know what I need to do and I certainly don’t know what to tell you to do! So offer specific help. Can I shop for your groceries? Can I drive you to a doctor’s appointment? Arrange to take us out for coffee or lunch – individually, so we can talk. Run errands – the cleaners, drug store, post office, bank deposits. Arrange among our circle of friends to deliver meals. Set up a cooler outside the door – so we don’t feel obligated to meet and greet each meal delivery – and drop off dinners there.

4. Faraway Friends. You’re halfway across the country, but you desperately want to help us. You know us – we feel passionately about helping others struggle with cancer and finding new treatments and will appreciate if you participate in a walk-a-thon, or rally a group to do so in Matthew’s honor.

5. Deliver Comfort - Pamper Us. When we are at home just stop by with special little things to make us feel special. This is especially important for the kids – Zachary and Stephanie – they get overlooked in their grief as folks ask “How are your mom and doing?” Take a good book, a couple of magazines, or a gift card to the local video store. Drop by with a couple of milkshakes or a favorite coffee drink or favorite snack.

6. Just Be There. When you are hit with such a tragedy you are hurled into a world that is very unfamiliar, scary and lonely. Suddenly you do not feel like you are a “normal” person anymore but that we belong to a club no one ever wants to be a part of. And people react to you in very interesting ways. Some good some bad. Each family member is an individual dealing with our pain and stress in our own way.

7. Ask us what we need without judgment – and then ask us when you see us again, and then again. At the time you ask, we may not be able to answer you. Remember, some of us want to talk - some don't. Some need to retreat - some don't. And these needs change day-to-day. We need above all else to feel unconditionally loved, supported, respected and part of the world. “Love is such a curative property that it cannot be quantified.”

I’ve added an eighth way:
8. Help Us Remember. One of our greatest fears is that we will forget Matthew – what his voice sounded like, what he looked like, his favorite food, how he laughed, what it felt like to have him hug us. So, talk to us about him – mention his name, tell us the stories you remember, write the stories down and share them with us! Also, ask others to honor Matthew’s memory and share Matt’s story with someone else.

Now for an update...
Remember our pain and grief still lives within us. Our son is still DEAD! He isn't gone, he hasn't been lost, he isn't away - he is DEAD. We will celebrate moments in life, but never without the knowledge that a vital part of us is absent. So, it still matters 3 years and 3 months later, that we are not walking this difficult road alone. And it matters that YOU remind us we are not walking alone. And it matters that you share with us the many ways you have been touched by Matthew's life and death.


Keep in touch, it matters to us.

"Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends."- 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a

Joy amidst the Mourning

Have you ever noticed how life turns you around, spins you upside down, throws you up and then dumps you on the ground? And in those moments of concern, grief, and anxiety - you find yourself occasionally smiling, or laughing out loud, or possibly having a downright belly-aching, heartfelt guffaw! Makes me think of roller coasters!

Personally, I love roller coasters. Ones that take me higher in the air and faster than I would even dare to dream about going on my own. I like the feeling of not being in control, I like knowing I'm not alone on my wild ride, and I like knowing someone else is in control.

This is the way life has been for me - for us - our family. In the midst of celebrating Stephanie's wedding, we cried and remembered Matthew's absence in our celebrations. But we found ways for each of us to celebrate his presence in our hearts and in our lives, because he truly is with us everyday. Not a day goes by where we don't think about him and miss his smile or quiet presence. Yet, I am so grateful to have my memories of Matthew and to be able to celebrate the milestones and wonderful moments we are given in life today.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow!
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." - Jeremiah 29:11-13

Justice, Mercy and Ministry

Found this while surfing the web tonight, I had actually almost forgotten about it!

General Board of Discipleship Publishes Prison Ministry Tool Box

GBOD’s Discipleship Resources imprint has published a new prison ministry tool box to help congregations address the alarming increase in the U. S. prison population.

The “Congregational Tool Box for Prison Ministry” was created in response to a 2004 General Conference action related to providing restorative justice materials for United Methodist churches.

“The tool box encourages people to look at the whole criminal justice system, while providing practical, hands-on suggestions for ministry in the reality of our current prison system,” says Betsey Heavner, the publication’s author and compiler.

The “Congregational Tool Box for Prison Ministry” ($8.00) is available for download at http://www.upperroom.org/bookstore/description.asp?item_id=456465.

“By engaging in and expanding our work in prison ministry, we are reclaiming that part of our Methodist heritage inspired by John Wesley’s passion for those in prison,” says GBOD top executive Karen Greenwaldt.

Churches that are serious about beginning restorative justice ministries or in re-tooling prison ministries will find helpful ways to care for those incarcerated and their families,
provide for children, visit in prisons and bring justice and reconciliation in their communities.

The publication, which updates the “Prison Ministry Guide” published in 1996, targets Christian communities and individuals who recognize God’s call to be involved in ministries of justice and mercy.

“The ‘1996 Prison Ministry Guide’ was out of date. Yet we were getting requests for the guide on a weekly basis,” says Heavner.

The “Congregational Toolbox for Prison Ministry” overviews criminal justice issues and presents some possible ways for churches to engage in prison ministry.

Justice Department statistics indicate that one in every 136 U. S. residents was behind bars in the summer of 2005.

Though more prisons are being built, they cannot keep up with the dramatic increase in the number of persons being incarcerated.

“Congregational Tool Box for Prison Ministry” content was compiled by Betsey Heavner and edited by George Donigian. Content reviewers and contributors included prison chaplains and restorative justice practitioners Pat Dunbar, Harmon Wray, Tom Porter, Cynthia Peters, Rich Stoglin, Mark Hicks, Ann Edgefield and Holly Hickson.

The 26-page resource includes the following chapters:

.Introduction to the Problem of a Growing Prison Population
.Raising Congregational Awareness for Ministering with Those in Prison
.Getting Started with Prison Ministry
.Seven Ways to Engage in Criminal Justice Work and Prison Ministry.

The General Board of Discipleship’s mission is to support annual conference and local church leaders for their task of equipping world-changing disciples. An agency of The United Methodist Church, The General Board of Discipleship (www.gbod.org) is located at 1908 Grand Ave. in Nashville, TN. For more information, call the Media Relations Office toll free at (877) 899-2780, Ext. 7017.

It seems strange to see an article such as this with my name mentioned and credit given to me for something that was just a part of what I do in life. I remember the effort but didn't think anything of it because it seemed to be such a small thing. This effort was done on my part during the time of Matthew's illness and then his death and just over ten years after Mark's death. I was in the midst of grief and wasn't even aware of what the results would be, but I remember thinking that maybe if I opened myself up just a little, God would be glorified in some small way. That God use the circumstances for His glory was the prayer on my heart in the moment I first heard the news of Mark's murder.

Isn't that the prayer that should always be on our hearts? That God be glorified in all that we say and do? And then sometimes, in spite of our own human frailty something bigger than we could have thought possible happens. Bad things happen to each of us in life. Cars break down, jobs are lost, loved ones die, and the everyday worries remain on our minds. But when we just do what it is we are designed to do without thought of ourselves, bigger things happen. Maybe that's what God means for us to do when we are told to "pray continually" and "give thanks in all circumstances".

"Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." ~ 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Psalm 40

Tomorrow is a tough day for my family, for me. It is the 3rd anniversary of Matthew's death. Each day memories are a part of my life, but on certain days, like tomorrow, I know that the memories will pierce my mind and soul like slivers of glass shredding my flesh.

Tomorrow is also a day of joy and celebration for my family and for me. It is another anniversary - the 3rd anniversary of the church's affirmation of my call to pastoral ministry. It was on this date that we removed our son from life support and let him fully return to his Heavenly Father and on that same day God began a new life in me and each member of our family.

I praise God each day for the time we were given with our son. I will be in mourning for years to come, a part of me is missing and there is no amount of mourning that will replace that missing part. Yet, God hears my cries and is faithful in our distress.

Praise God! Praise God! Praise God!

1 I waited patiently for the LORD;
he turned to me and heard my cry.

2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.

3 He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear
and put their trust in the LORD.

4 Blessed is the man
who makes the LORD his trust,
who does not look to the proud,
to those who turn aside to false gods.

5 Many, O LORD my God,
are the wonders you have done.
The things you planned for us
no one can recount to you;
were I to speak and tell of them,
they would be too many to declare.

6 Sacrifice and offering you did not desire,
but my ears you have pierced;
burnt offerings and sin offerings
you did not require.

7 Then I said, "Here I am, I have come—
it is written about me in the scroll.

8 I desire to do your will, O my God;
your law is within my heart."

9 I proclaim righteousness in the great assembly;
I do not seal my lips,
as you know, O LORD.

10 I do not hide your righteousness in my heart;
I speak of your faithfulness and salvation.
I do not conceal your love and your truth
from the great assembly.

11 Do not withhold your mercy from me, O LORD;
may your love and your truth always protect me.

12 For troubles without number surround me;
my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see.
They are more than the hairs of my head,
and my heart fails within me.

13 Be pleased, O LORD, to save me;
O LORD, come quickly to help me.

14 May all who seek to take my life
be put to shame and confusion;
may all who desire my ruin
be turned back in disgrace.

15 May those who say to me, "Aha! Aha!"
be appalled at their own shame.

16 But may all who seek you
rejoice and be glad in you;
may those who love your salvation always say,
"The LORD be exalted!"

17 Yet I am poor and needy;
may the Lord think of me.
You are my help and my deliverer;
O my God, do not delay.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JJHao_5N9d8