“Posted May 27, 2006 6:52pm:
Kim and Stephanie are at the emergency room with Matthew right
now. His heart rate was 147 and his blood pressure was 38/78. The
on-call hematologist thinks this is due to low red cell count so
Matthew may need a blood transfusion tonight.”
I have been reflecting on the decisions we made surrounding Matthew’s illness and the treatment he received. This entry (above) was made the day after he graduated from high school. Our household had company from out-of-state that had come up to celebrate that very special occasion and to spend some time with Matthew now that he was home from the hospital. Kim & I had spent a few hours visiting with another family friend who had also just graduated high school. As I sit here trying to communicate the situation we were in and the feelings that were going through my head, the memories are so vivid that they threaten to overwhelm me.
Questions have run around in my head since that time. Questions such as, “Why did I have Stephanie go with Kim & Matthew instead of me?” Was it my own laziness, or was it that I just didn’t want to deal with the hospital stress again? Did the sense of obligation to be a “good” daughter and to entertain our company color my judgment in taking care of my son? So many questions. And no possible way for me to find the answers.
I feel so much guilt and shame. I want to go back in time and change the way I did things, reevaluate my decisions, and have another chance to be the kind of mom I want to be to my children. I can’t do any of that for Matthew. So now, I just second guess myself.
And that’s where the nightmares start.
(To read more, go to: barefootpreachr.wordpress.com)
Friday, May 28, 2010
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
What’s in YOUR tupperware?
Lately I have been feeling overwhelmed with all my “to-do” stuff so I decided I needed a break from doing what I’ve been doing and I would do something else. I thought it might be a good idea to clean the pantry and get organized. Looking into the pantry, I figured it might be a half-hour to 45 minute diversion from my crazy routine.
The first step to getting myself organized was to figure out what needed to be thrown away. That was easy. There was nothing that needed to be thrown away since my hubby and college-age son had already perused the pantry and that was why it needed to be organized. This step took me only one minute. It looked like I would have enough time to brew myself a cup of tea when I was through!
Okay, next step. I thought it would be helpful to put all the items I use for baking on one shelf, all the canned goods on another shelf in rows according to to size and dates they would expire, all of the snack foods on another shelf, and so on … and so on. I began pulling these things out of the pantry and making little stacks and piles. Some of the piles were getting a bit larger than others, but two shelves were cleaned off so I could begin putting things away. Fifteen minutes into this step I began to realize that this was not as easy as step one in my plan.
First of all, not all of the baking goods would fit on one shelf. Guess I would have a few “smaller” steps to create that perfect fit. (Now this is where I started to get into real trouble.) In my mind’s eye I had a vision of what my home, pantry and kitchen looked like when my children where very young. Everything in my kitchen was color coded with those wonderful Tupperware Modular Mates, the childrens toys all fit into the largest containers and were stacked perfectly when not in use. Even the bathroom toilet tissue, q-tips, cotton balls and feminine products were in color coded containers and organized. Oh, it was heaven!
It was time to sort the tupperware cabinet and gather my supplies. I dove in. I evaluated my options. I began to sort through the array of pieces and parts. Then I began to try to fit the pieces and parts together with the assortment of items from the pantry. Things were not going the way I had planned. In fact, I felt like I was putting together a giant jigsaw puzzle with no edge pieces and all in black and white. This might take a little longer than I had expected.
Forty-five minutes (yes, I know that was the planned time allotment, but I was on a roll!) into the moving, stacking, sorting, and piecing together of bowls, modular mates, flour, cereal, and bagged pretzels – I conceded defeat of the battle. The pantry has won for the time being while I step back and regroup my defenses.
In the meantime, I had a bit of a mess to clean up. First, the food stuffs since the cats in the household were taking a particular interest in the various bags of chips and boxes of open cereal. I must admit it did not take as long to throw (I mean, place) the food back into the pantry as it did to take it out and sort it in the first place. It was important to get everything balanced correctly though so as to not have anything fall on hubby’s head when he opens the door to rummage for his evening snack tonight. Having created a perfect balance in the pantry, I moved on to my final step in this organization project – returning the tupperware pieces and parts back into the cabinet from whence they came.
Remember the jigsaw puzzle? That was simple compared to this task!
It seems that while I was putting the pantry into perfect balance, those pieces and parts had been multiplying and rearranging themselves. Now that it was time to go back into that cabinet there were twice as much as what had come out! Although it took several minutes, let’s say, 40 minutes give or take 2, I won this battle. Everything went back into the cabinet and life is once again restored to a place of harmony and perfect balance!
Next time I think it’s a good idea to organize the pantry I think it’s the hubby’s turn to do it!
The first step to getting myself organized was to figure out what needed to be thrown away. That was easy. There was nothing that needed to be thrown away since my hubby and college-age son had already perused the pantry and that was why it needed to be organized. This step took me only one minute. It looked like I would have enough time to brew myself a cup of tea when I was through!
Okay, next step. I thought it would be helpful to put all the items I use for baking on one shelf, all the canned goods on another shelf in rows according to to size and dates they would expire, all of the snack foods on another shelf, and so on … and so on. I began pulling these things out of the pantry and making little stacks and piles. Some of the piles were getting a bit larger than others, but two shelves were cleaned off so I could begin putting things away. Fifteen minutes into this step I began to realize that this was not as easy as step one in my plan.
First of all, not all of the baking goods would fit on one shelf. Guess I would have a few “smaller” steps to create that perfect fit. (Now this is where I started to get into real trouble.) In my mind’s eye I had a vision of what my home, pantry and kitchen looked like when my children where very young. Everything in my kitchen was color coded with those wonderful Tupperware Modular Mates, the childrens toys all fit into the largest containers and were stacked perfectly when not in use. Even the bathroom toilet tissue, q-tips, cotton balls and feminine products were in color coded containers and organized. Oh, it was heaven!
It was time to sort the tupperware cabinet and gather my supplies. I dove in. I evaluated my options. I began to sort through the array of pieces and parts. Then I began to try to fit the pieces and parts together with the assortment of items from the pantry. Things were not going the way I had planned. In fact, I felt like I was putting together a giant jigsaw puzzle with no edge pieces and all in black and white. This might take a little longer than I had expected.
Forty-five minutes (yes, I know that was the planned time allotment, but I was on a roll!) into the moving, stacking, sorting, and piecing together of bowls, modular mates, flour, cereal, and bagged pretzels – I conceded defeat of the battle. The pantry has won for the time being while I step back and regroup my defenses.
In the meantime, I had a bit of a mess to clean up. First, the food stuffs since the cats in the household were taking a particular interest in the various bags of chips and boxes of open cereal. I must admit it did not take as long to throw (I mean, place) the food back into the pantry as it did to take it out and sort it in the first place. It was important to get everything balanced correctly though so as to not have anything fall on hubby’s head when he opens the door to rummage for his evening snack tonight. Having created a perfect balance in the pantry, I moved on to my final step in this organization project – returning the tupperware pieces and parts back into the cabinet from whence they came.
Remember the jigsaw puzzle? That was simple compared to this task!
It seems that while I was putting the pantry into perfect balance, those pieces and parts had been multiplying and rearranging themselves. Now that it was time to go back into that cabinet there were twice as much as what had come out! Although it took several minutes, let’s say, 40 minutes give or take 2, I won this battle. Everything went back into the cabinet and life is once again restored to a place of harmony and perfect balance!
Next time I think it’s a good idea to organize the pantry I think it’s the hubby’s turn to do it!
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Where is God's perfection?
Every so often I come across a story that makes me pause and wonder. When I read this one I could not help but wonder if my son ever knew how perfect we thought he was. His disabilities made him more perfect because he accepted and loved everyone he met for who they were in their imperfections. I have to admit, he was one of my hero's and I miss him terribly.
"In Brooklyn, New York, Chush is a school that caters to learning-disabled children. Some children remain in Chush for their entire school career, while others can be main-streamed into conventional schools.
At a Chush fund-raising dinner, the father of a Chush child delivered a speech that would never be forgotten by all who attended.
After extolling the school and its dedicated staff, he cried out, "Where is the perfection in my son Shaya? Everything God does is done with perfection. But my child cannot understand things as other children do. My child cannot remember facts and figures as other children do. Where is God's perfection?"
The audience was shocked by the question, pained by the father's anguish and stilled by the piercing query. "I believe," the father answered,"that when God brings a child like this into the world, the perfection that He seeks is in the way people react to this child."
He then told the following story about his son Shaya:
One afternoon Shaya and his father walked past a park where some boys Shaya knew were playing baseball. Shaya asked, "Do you think they will let me play?" Shaya's father knew that his son was not at all athletic and that most boys would not want him on their team. But Shaya's father understood that if his son was chosen to play it would give him a comfortable sense of belonging.
Shaya's father approached one of the boys in the field and asked if Shaya could play. The boy looked around for guidance from his team-mates.
Getting none, he took matters into his own hands and said, "We are losing by six runs and the game is in the eighth inning. I guess he can be on our team and we'll try to put him up to bat in the ninth inning."
Shaya's father was ecstatic as Shaya smiled broadly. Shaya was told to put on a glove and go out to play short center field.
In the bottom of the eighth inning, Shaya's team scored a few runs but was still behind by three. In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shaya's team scored again and now with two outs and the bases loaded with the potential winning run on base, Shaya was scheduled to be up. Would the team actually let Shaya bat at this juncture and give away their chance to win the game?
Surprisingly, Shaya was given the bat. Everyone knew that it was all but impossible because Shaya didn't even know how to hold the bat properly,let alone hit with it. However, as Shaya stepped up to the plate, the pitcher moved a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shaya should at least be able to make contact. The first pitch came in and Shaya swung clumsily and missed. One of Shaya's team-mates came up to Shaya and together they held the bat and faced the pitcher waiting for the next pitch. The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly toward Shaya.
As the pitch came in, Shaya and his team-mate swung the bat and together they hit a slow ground ball to the pitcher. The pitcher picked up the soft grounder and could easily have thrown the ball to the first baseman. Shaya would have been out and that would have ended the game. Instead, the pitcher took the ball and threw it on a high arc to right field, far beyond reach of the first baseman.
Everyone started yelling, "Shaya, run to first. Run to first!" Never in his life had Shaya run to first. He scampered down the baseline wide eyed and startled. By the time he reached first base, the right fielder had the ball. He could have thrown the ball to the second baseman who would tag out Shaya, who was still running. But the right fielder understood what the pitcher's intentions were, so he threw the ball high and far over the third baseman's head.
Everyone yelled, "Run to second, run to second." Shaya ran towards second base as the runners ahead of him deliriously circled the bases towards home. As Shaya reached second base, the opposing short stop ran to him, turned him in the direction of third base and shouted, "Run to third." As Shaya rounded third, the boys from both teams ran behind him screaming,"Shaya run home!" Shaya ran home, stepped on home plate and all 18 boys lifted him on their shoulders and made him the hero, as he had just hit a "grand slam" and won the game for his team.
That day," said the father softly with tears now rolling down his face, "those 18 boys reached their level of God's perfection."~ Author Unknown"
Matthew - we miss you and we love you - always & forever.
"In Brooklyn, New York, Chush is a school that caters to learning-disabled children. Some children remain in Chush for their entire school career, while others can be main-streamed into conventional schools.
At a Chush fund-raising dinner, the father of a Chush child delivered a speech that would never be forgotten by all who attended.
After extolling the school and its dedicated staff, he cried out, "Where is the perfection in my son Shaya? Everything God does is done with perfection. But my child cannot understand things as other children do. My child cannot remember facts and figures as other children do. Where is God's perfection?"
The audience was shocked by the question, pained by the father's anguish and stilled by the piercing query. "I believe," the father answered,"that when God brings a child like this into the world, the perfection that He seeks is in the way people react to this child."
He then told the following story about his son Shaya:
One afternoon Shaya and his father walked past a park where some boys Shaya knew were playing baseball. Shaya asked, "Do you think they will let me play?" Shaya's father knew that his son was not at all athletic and that most boys would not want him on their team. But Shaya's father understood that if his son was chosen to play it would give him a comfortable sense of belonging.
Shaya's father approached one of the boys in the field and asked if Shaya could play. The boy looked around for guidance from his team-mates.
Getting none, he took matters into his own hands and said, "We are losing by six runs and the game is in the eighth inning. I guess he can be on our team and we'll try to put him up to bat in the ninth inning."
Shaya's father was ecstatic as Shaya smiled broadly. Shaya was told to put on a glove and go out to play short center field.
In the bottom of the eighth inning, Shaya's team scored a few runs but was still behind by three. In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shaya's team scored again and now with two outs and the bases loaded with the potential winning run on base, Shaya was scheduled to be up. Would the team actually let Shaya bat at this juncture and give away their chance to win the game?
Surprisingly, Shaya was given the bat. Everyone knew that it was all but impossible because Shaya didn't even know how to hold the bat properly,let alone hit with it. However, as Shaya stepped up to the plate, the pitcher moved a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shaya should at least be able to make contact. The first pitch came in and Shaya swung clumsily and missed. One of Shaya's team-mates came up to Shaya and together they held the bat and faced the pitcher waiting for the next pitch. The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly toward Shaya.
As the pitch came in, Shaya and his team-mate swung the bat and together they hit a slow ground ball to the pitcher. The pitcher picked up the soft grounder and could easily have thrown the ball to the first baseman. Shaya would have been out and that would have ended the game. Instead, the pitcher took the ball and threw it on a high arc to right field, far beyond reach of the first baseman.
Everyone started yelling, "Shaya, run to first. Run to first!" Never in his life had Shaya run to first. He scampered down the baseline wide eyed and startled. By the time he reached first base, the right fielder had the ball. He could have thrown the ball to the second baseman who would tag out Shaya, who was still running. But the right fielder understood what the pitcher's intentions were, so he threw the ball high and far over the third baseman's head.
Everyone yelled, "Run to second, run to second." Shaya ran towards second base as the runners ahead of him deliriously circled the bases towards home. As Shaya reached second base, the opposing short stop ran to him, turned him in the direction of third base and shouted, "Run to third." As Shaya rounded third, the boys from both teams ran behind him screaming,"Shaya run home!" Shaya ran home, stepped on home plate and all 18 boys lifted him on their shoulders and made him the hero, as he had just hit a "grand slam" and won the game for his team.
That day," said the father softly with tears now rolling down his face, "those 18 boys reached their level of God's perfection."~ Author Unknown"
Matthew - we miss you and we love you - always & forever.
Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your minds, so that you may discern what is the will of God—what is good and acceptable and perfect. For by the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think of yourself more highly than you ought to think, but to think with sober judgement, each according to the measure of faith that God has assigned. ~ Romans 12:2-3
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
I Hope ...
I hope that I will always be for each person what he or she needs me to be.
I hope that each person's death will diminish me, but that fear of my own will never diminish my joy of life.
I hope that my love for those whom I like will never lessen my love for those whom I do not.
I hope that another person's love for me will never be a measure of my love for him or her.
I hope that everybody will accept me as I am, but that I never will.
I hope that I will always ask for forgiveness from others, but will never need to be asked for my own . . .
I hope that I will always recognize my limitations, but that I will construct none.
I hope that loving will always be my goal, but that love will never be my idol.
I hope that everyone will always have hope.
-Henri Nouwen
I hope that each person's death will diminish me, but that fear of my own will never diminish my joy of life.
I hope that my love for those whom I like will never lessen my love for those whom I do not.
I hope that another person's love for me will never be a measure of my love for him or her.
I hope that everybody will accept me as I am, but that I never will.
I hope that I will always ask for forgiveness from others, but will never need to be asked for my own . . .
I hope that I will always recognize my limitations, but that I will construct none.
I hope that loving will always be my goal, but that love will never be my idol.
I hope that everyone will always have hope.
-Henri Nouwen
We always thank God for all of you, mentioning you in our prayers. We continually remember before our God and Father your work produced by faith, your labor prompted by love, and your endurance inspired by hope in our Lord Jesus Christ. ~ 1 Thessalonians 1:2-3
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